September Surrender: Day Two
I have a work trip coming up in two days. Well, a “work” trip. I mean, my boss did tell me and another co-worker to sign up for it. We are one of a dozen applicants chosen out of a hundred-plus to go on this weeklong excursion that’s unlike anything else I’ve ever done in my life. No joke, it’s an act of overseas diplomacy with me acting as a representation of the American media. That’s what my boss told us we’d be doing. So that’s happening. And I’ve never been more of a nervous wreck about it.
It’s stupid, actually. I feel so unbelievably ungrateful that this all-expenses-paid trip is about the last thing I want to do at this moment in time. My anxiety builds and I just want to run into a small, windowless room and shut myself off to the world until I finally feel better, whenever that may be. And unfortunately for all those around me excited by my prospects, I’m letting the unease win, and it shows.
“Don’t cry,” my boyfriend and my dad were both saying to me as I sat crying on the couch, “You’re going to be home before you know it,” dad said. My boyfriend just kept asking me to take deep breaths. But I couldn’t help it. I gave in to the bad feelings and let myself be vulnerable in front of both of them. No one was going to stop me, and more importantly, I wasn’t going to stop myself. If that was how I was feeling, then I should honor that, even though objectively it seems strange to be so high strung over it.
The anticipation of important and significant events in my life always causes me the most strife. I could sit and complain for hours about how I’d rather stay home and help the team at work, as we’re so short-staffed these days. Or maybe I just want to be in my apartment and do the deep cleaning it deserves. But I can’t. I’ve signed the papers. I’m going, and everyone knows it.
I suppose it’s important to remember that I’m allowed to be anxious. I just can’t make it an excuse for myself. The new thing should be looking for ways to ease it instead of letting it rule my life. So I’m working on it. Just like I’m slowly packing things up so it’s not a mad scramble tomorrow. I’ll be calm about it one day. That day is just not today. Uncertain times call for uncertain measures. I just hope I can tame the disquiet as I learn to revel in my newfound diplomacy.