September Surrender: Day Thirty
There are sixty-five YouTube tabs open on my browser right now, all of them a different Mario Maker video. I was falling a little behind on my Mario content consumption before Italy, and I’ve certainly not gone for the high score since.
It’s the same routine: Every day after work I open a new YouTube page, scroll through what’s new, right-click into a new tab things I’ll watch later, then pull all the new Mario videos into a side tab so I can collapse it and not take up valuable real estate at the top of my browser. At one point there were eighty-plus videos, so I’ve been able to whittle it down some, but not enough. I’m watching them on 1.75x speed now, most of the time only half-paying attention as I go through video after video of these skilled players and the narratives they weave. It’s all so interesting watching the game mechanics at play, seeing them perform difficult tricks and exploit glitches to complete the levels. It’s almost like an obsession for me, especially since I must defeat so many videos in order to clear my cache.
But why? What bearing do these videos have on my life, except temporary satisfaction of a level complete? Why can’t I dedicate this much gumption for completing my own goals instead of ones others hit from the digital world?
My dad always describes goals as something that needs to become a sort of obsession when you get down to it. Whether it’s losing weight or changing my circumstances in life, I need to be laser focused on it. But I never am. I start out that way but there’s just no consistency in anything I do. Sure, when I take the time to do these challenges, they always are the priority. But when the obligation is over, I don’t have anything there to keep me in check, to make sure my gameplay is legitimate and hold myself accountable.
But there’s something there that hasn’t been there long in the grand scheme of things: Player 2. It’s only been half-a-year since I’ve become a package deal, so it may just not be enough time to erase my lifetime of inconsistencies. I’ve inputted the controls so many different ways that maybe all I needed was a helping hand. I’m not doing these life fixtures just for him or just for me. I’m doing them for us. I get through these workouts, even thought I don’t always want to, because I know how important it is to stay strong. I slog through my workload at night because I must sustain a life while I’m living independently from him. There’s still a lot I have to do before I can pour all the passion I have into one particular venture. Until I can do what I want to do, I’ll sacrifice my last life and perform the best I can, so when it’s actually time to level up, the reward is that much sweeter.
There will come a time where I’ll be able to channel this fervor that clearly lies within me into the thing I’m meant to be doing. The thing that makes me the happiest. That gives me the satisfying feeling I get when I watch these Maker episodes and see the results of honing a skill. I’ve got a lot riding on this and someone outside myself who I also don’t want to let down. I can do this. I’ve studied enough strategy guides, the final challenge awaits.
Thank you for reading me this month. Recap incoming. See you soon.