June Renew: Day Thirty
Snuggle Monster
I’ve never been that much of a cuddler. With my mom, sure. I couldn’t fall asleep without her until I was damn near 10-years-old. But when it comes to relationships, there was always a sense that I never deserved the cuddly aspect of being with another person. Part of it is that I like my space. I’ve slept alone for I don’t know how long. But now that I’m with someone who also likes to cuddle, it’s starting to feel like the most natural thing in the whole world. And I don’t want to sleep on this experience any longer.
When it came to cuddling, I would always get worried about my arm falling asleep, or being in an uncomfortable enough position where I’d have to just keep moving around and around. Also, how weird is it to wake up with someone else’s face on your face? But I’m getting used to how consistently it’s happening, and it I find myself coming to rely on it when it’s time for both of us to be at rest.
Separate Slumber
In total, I’ve maybe fallen asleep with six people in my life. Other than girl friends at sleepovers. As far as really sleeping with someone, that seems to have escaped me. I can recall one time years and years ago I slept over this person’s house for the one and only time. And though we were intimate the night before, we slept far apart from one another. I remember waking up in the middle of the night wondering if I should roll over and bring him in close. But then there was this other part of me that felt like I had no permission to touch him. Because at the end of the day, I knew he wasn’t mine. Not in that moment, not in any moment, actually. So I just rolled over and tried to find slumber once again.
I woke up to him peeking out over his sleeping eye-mask, which I thought was cute, and I left shortly after. It was one of the few times I thought I was on the road to having him the way I wished, but it never seemed to manifest. I was asleep to the fact that we just weren’t a good match, and the non-closeness during dozing should have given me a clue.
Snooze With You
Now I’m all tangled up. I crawl into bed and find immediate comfort. I woke up pretty much locked into a position one night. But it’s comfortable. It’s comforting. I never thought it would ever be for me. Or that I’d like hitting this kind of snooze button. Because I tend to be a thrasher in my sleep. I once pulled the fitted sheet off the bed in the night on a fencing trip, which was in stark contrast to my roommate’s pristine sheets. But when I’m all cuddled up, there’s a solace there that can only exist when two people are truly at peace with one another.
Now comes the final frontier: my bed. No one has ever spent the night in it but me. And the cat. This I feel will be a huge step for me and if I’m truly willing to let people in to my most intimate places too. I always think I am, but I do tend to get stage fright when the dust settles and the feathers stop flying. So we’ll see. Maybe I don’t need to sleep on it as much as I think.
Thank you for reading me this month. Recap incoming. Until next time.