June Renew: Day Twenty-Eight
There’s Always Later
I had a huge coffee today. I was wired the entire show. Manic, even. I was just fully energized after last night’s silly old debate that I stayed up to watch. Maybe I should have gotten a medium-sized coffee, because I’ve been on a slow yet obvious crash ever since I got home and took my pants off. I’ve just not been able to move for hours. I haven’t napped yet, and I’ve been putting off writing this entry. Why? I have no earthly idea. I just didn’t wanna. I didn’t wanna do anything other than sit here and fritter away my Friday after a rather big week of work.
Procrastination comes far too easily for me. I put things off and put things off until the very last moment. It’s a practice that I keep participating in, no matter how many times it’s proven to be detrimental to me. And yet, somehow I get it all done. It may not be perfectly done, but I always end up doing what I need to do. But this “strategy” isn’t going to work forever, as there’s going to be a time where putting things off until later will mean that thing no longer exists. I’ll miss my window. I’ll lounge too long and miss out on the important stuff. And I don’t want to be stuck wondering if all I did in my down time was worth it, or just another case of wasted time.
Reading Reticence
My mom used to read to me every night before bed. She’d snuggle up next to me and tell me stories, narrating when necessary and making voices for the characters. I’d fall asleep listening to her, which actually caused a longtime struggle with separation anxiety, as I couldn’t sleep without her there until age ten. Either way, she wanted to help expand my mind through reading and was going to do all she could to keep that thirst for knowledge at my front doorstep.
One evening she was reading me a book that was an assigned reading for school. She got through the first chapter and was just about ready to let me go to sleep when I asked her if she could keep reading. Never to be one to pass up a chance to act, Ma read me another chapter. When she was done and asked if I was ready for bed, I said no. I wanted her to keep reading, because I confessed that I needed the entire book read before school tomorrow, as we were going to discuss it in English class.
Mom was upset that I didn’t tell her about it and was furious with me for putting it off. Still, she knew she couldn’t be too mad, as I learned all my procrastination skills from her, as it was something she was famous for as well. So she kept on reading for me until we finished the entire book. It was only 90-or-so pages, so please don’t think I had her read Mason & Dixon in one night. But she would have if it came down to it. Because that’s just the kind of person she was.
Either way, I got the assignment done the next day, even if I was a little tired from staying up later than usual. But of course, this could have all been prevented if I just did my schoolwork and stopped prioritizing other things before it. As you can see, it’s been a lifelong struggle that’s showing no signs of slowing down, despite me playing the long game of not getting off my butt and doing what it is I really need to do.
Tomorrow, Huh?
As I’ve said here many times, not every entry I do is going to be a banger. I’m going to like the writing I do better on some than others. That I don’t care so much about. I care that whatever laziness that has seeped into my psyche is just disallowing me from doing all the things that are proven to be beneficial. Like going outside. I’m going to talk more about it in my wrap-up, but I just have not been going out there recently. I was explaining to my friend on the phone earlier that I feel like I don’t even deserve to be anywhere else besides my apartment right now, and I’m not entirely sure why.
I know I need the sun. I know I need to try something else besides staying surrounded by my four New York walls. Yet I just keep telling myself there’s always tomorrow. The sun will still be there. Rockaway Beach or Coney Island will still be there. All those taprooms nearby will still be there. Until the day they won’t be. Who knows what could happen in the coming weeks after all we’ve seen this week? What if life as we know it is entirely upended? Am I going to regret not doing all the things I used to at least have the option of doing? Or am I wasting time with all this needless overthinking?
There are certain things I can get done with no problem, even if I grump through them a bit, like working out, doing dishes, or vacuuming. These are needs. I should start focusing on the wants, too. Like wanting to go get a tan. Or wanting to enjoy a pint at the local watering hole. Whatever is keeping me in a state of couch lock can’t last forever. I suppose I’ll just have to try again tomorrow. No more late entries with one hour left in the day to complete.