February Focus: Day Three
Day four of my juice fast. I’m not necessarily hungry, it would just be nice to eat something. I’m still sticking to it, despite moments where I tell myself I can have the gyoza or the samosa wrap waiting in the freezer. But so far, I haven’t given in. I’ve certainly lost weight and am feeling good about that. But I’m going to have to be careful when I go back to solid foods, as I can’t just start tearing into everything I’ve missed chewing on. It’s soft fruit and brothy soup for at least a day or two. Then it’s vacation time where calories don’t count. But in all seriousness, this was a good idea, and I could see myself partaking a couple of times a year. I do feel cleansed and detoxed, but mostly I’m just amazed at my willpower. It’s obviously not a sustainable lifestyle to simply subsist on juice, so I know it’s all temporary. But while I’m here, I’m making the best of it. And whetting my appetite in other ways.
I’ve been watching a lot of mukbang content on YouTube. It’s a video style originating in Korea, where people either livestream or pre-record videos of themselves eating massive quantities of food. Thankfully, there’s a swell of it. I can literally never run out of it, and I watch on 1.75x speed so I can take in a lot. It’s plentiful, just like the portions on these people’s plates. Most of the people I watch are from Korea, some Japan. Their videos are two-fold. They’re both visually and aurally appealing. It’s satisfying hearing the crunch of fried chicken, or the slurp of fire noodles, even the slide of a big bite down their throats. I don’t watch western mukbang content, because I’m not here for the personalities, I just want to watch people eat and sometimes cook. And lately, consuming this content has been a huge help when I’m not able to do the same.
Some say eating like this isn’t healthy, and I’d have to agree. As much as I’d love to be able to eat anything I want without gaining weight, it’s just not realistic. So how do these people get away with it, and make absolute bank while doing it? A lot of the time, it’s the only meal they eat that day. Knock out your two-thousand calories in one go. Some have been proven to be faking it. Others are body builders. Still others, and I only recently came to this conclusion, probably just have the predisposed metabolism to be able to eat this way and not become a chunk like me. And it’s bothersome because at one point, I must have had this predisposition too.
My mother was always thin. Not unhealthy by any means, she just had a small frame. It’s becoming evident as my father and I unearth more photos of her from over the years. She did some modeling back in the day, and dad was a photographer, so naturally there’s a lot of stunning photos he’s taken of her. Some of them are so incredible I can’t believe that’s my ma. She had an amazing figure, even after putting on seventy-five pounds when I came into this world. Because she lost it all shortly after. She had the mom-bod and wore it well. So what went wrong with her fat daughter? Sure, my dad’s mother’s side had some grasso folks, but is that enough to explain what’s been weighing me down?
It gets exhausting thinking about my weight and food and all this extra junk in the trunk. I’ve written about it so many times on this very blog, and I’m getting sick to my stomach about it. I don’t want to feel like food and my weight is one of the ruling factors in my life. But my dad told me something very plainly the other night before I went to sleep: “If you want to be a mother, you’re going to have to get your weight down.”
And he’s right. I’m going to be thirty-eight in April. It’s only going to get harder to lose weight and conceive as I get older. I’m not worried about that, but I’ll have an easier time if I get to a weight that my body is supposed to be at. I need to take the emotional factor out of eating, as that’s always been my problem. I’m not ready to join the “food is fuel” crowd, but I can remember how seeing less on the scale simply feels better.
Ideally a 5’5′ woman is supposed to be 130 pounds. That’s about an eighty-pound loss from where I’m at right now. So I’m not holding my breath that that’ll happen anytime soon. But I can get myself to a place where what I put inside matches what I’ve inherited. I get my nice frame from my mother. I just wish I inherited her eating habits too. So for now, the mukbang content will have to do. Besides, whatever someone else eats doesn’t make me fat, right?