February Focus: Day Two
Sometimes I wonder if I’m becoming too cold. Or jaded. I can’t decide. My mom always told me I wear my heart on my sleeve, and it remains true all these years later. There are days I walk home with whatever internal tiredness I feel splashed all over my face. I can’t help it. I don’t want to help it. And I wonder if it’s because I wish for the rest of the world to feel the way I do. If only to momentarily put me in the spotlight for once.
One of my co-workers always asks me if I’ve seen a piece of news or a viral thing. The answer I have is almost always yes, because as much as I don’t like to admit it, I’m as terminally online as the rest of them. The other day, he asked if I had seen the clip from Law & Order: SVU about the woman who was r*ped by a teenager but wouldn’t press charges because she’s “privileged” and he wasn’t. It’s this video, if you care to watch. Of course I saw it, I informed him. But what about this star-studded performance was bothering him so much? “Other people watch this and like this!” he exclaimed.
I shook my head and told him it doesn’t matter. He didn’t get it. He was still so upset that anyone could watch a show like this, not to mention the ridiculously convoluted snapshot of society the clip was portraying. I had to say again that what other people view had no affect on his life. “You giving your energy to poorly-acted crap like this gives it legitimacy,” I said, “Ignore it, turn it off, and don’t pay any mind to it.”
I have no idea if what I said made any sort of impact. He’s about a decade younger than me, as are most of my co-workers. This seems to be the best way I can pave my cynical foundation for the rest of them, which I think will help build a better platform in the long run.
Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t set out to be some kind of unfeeling guru, only offering cut and dry acting advice. But it just seems to be the role that fits right now as I sort out what’s weighing me down. I don’t need the rest of the world to feel just as I do, I only wish for a little acknowledgment that my performance was good enough. If I’m the one deigned to be dishing out hard truths, tough love, and insight into what to leave behind in the new age, then that’s just what I will do. But personally, I think it’s going to take a lot more than my self-reflection here to make me feel like my character motivation has merit. And it may be as easy as saying there’s no part for me in that cast.
But hey, longtime Law & Order actor Sam Waterston announced he’s leaving the show today. Even though it’s not the exact same series as from the clip, perhaps there was enough from my script to generate something similar on the world’s stage.