My December to Remember 3: Day Twenty-Nine
News: Maine Secretary of State unilaterally removes Trump from 2024 primary ballot but stays her decision until an appeal is made.
Rogue wave in California injures eight.
First reported Tesla Cybertruck crash.
Biden Admin threatens to sue Texas if it implements new state law to arrest and deport illegal border crossers.
California to offer illegal immigrants free health care beginning January 1st.
I feel so foolish. Just so silly and weird. One of those moments you don’t know how bad you overplayed your hand until all the cards are out on the table. Then you realize the jackpot is not yours to take. I’m being dramatic, but it feels like my efforts in finally trying to play this game might be nothing more than a slight of hand.
Yes, I’m still on the dating apps. No, I don’t want to be. They’re more recreation than anything, though I’m open to the idea of meeting someone, even if it amounts to nothing more than a hangout. Most of the time I just find the whole process to be weird and stilted, and I can’t help but cringe at a forty-something man using a dating app. I shouldn’t be so quick to judge, that might be me one day if I don’t play my cards right. Anyway, having wading through the crowd of ultra-liberals, ethical non-monogamists and “he/him/his’s,” I noticed one guy stood out, having liked my favorite and most recent snap on my profile. I liked that he was tall, in my neighborhood, and mentioned The Sopranos in his text. I sat on this ‘like’ for about a week, as it feels like every single opening line I’ve ever sent to a man has fallen by the wayside. But this morning, for whatever reason, I decided to go all in and do something I suck at: reach out and show my hand.
I sent a message about our mutually favorite HBO show at around 3:00AM after I had woken up and was getting ready for work. I figured it’d be something he could see upon waking and could respond back accordingly if he wanted to. When I got to work and pulled out my phone, I saw he messaged me back already. And that early. I was a little shocked but hey, I finally got a bite here. I chatted with him for about a half hour, finding out he had messed up his sleep schedule and that’s why he was awake. I let him know I had a busy day ahead so I’d message him back later in the day when I was done with work. I even did the little smiling emoji with the hearts around it and got a winking kissy face back! Omg. I put my phone away feeling a confidence I hadn’t had in a while. Perhaps it was just the start of something. I even told my co-workers about it, but more about the novelty of the story and me not expecting a message back at buttcrack o’clock, when us crazies are at work and the rest of the world is sleeping. I wasn’t sure if this was a good idea to raise the ante in such a low-stakes game, and had the distinct feeling I should have just kept my cards a little closer to the vest on this one.
I didn’t leave work until 12:30PM, which is unusual, but I had a lot of technical work to attend to with our show rundowns. When I finally got home after stopping at Whole Foods to grab lunch/dinner, my cat sitter, who I also messaged earlier, let me know she was in Central Park and had my extra set of keys to pick up. So I made my way over there and figured it was as perfect a time as any to message this guy back. I wanted to be quirky or something and be like, “Oh wow, work was much longer than expected,” but when I opened the app, there was no message to be found.
“That’s impossible,” I thought, thinking maybe there was some kind of glitch. But no. Whatever conversation I had six hours ago was just not there anymore. I was unmatched and I don’t know why. I’m not even going to speculate, because why give any more energy to this than I already have with this entry. Still, I finally thought I had a good hand, only to find someone flipped the table and ran.
My first thought was that I had imagined the entire conversation. My second thought was I shouldn’t have said anything out loud. It’s like I jinxed myself for no apparent reason, and now I’m just left shuffling the deck on my own again. However, things like this happen all the time on dating apps, and my story is no different. I just wonder how much of this is on me, or if my deck can’t help but be stacked this way.
Any action we take in this day and age comes with its own set of risks, even when you think you’ve got a lock on your hands. Maybe if I had gone with my gut and kept my big mouth shut, things would have been different. I can’t know that. I can’t know what happened or why it seems like it keeps happening. We just take the action we think is right at the time and then deal with whatever comes after that. Whatever, or whoever, is meant to find me will, and I won’t need a bag of tricks just to keep them around. There’s an ace up my sleeve somewhere I think.
