June Renew: Day Eighteen
An Athletic Yawn
My knees have never been good. It seems there’s been problems for a very long time. Or maybe I just didn’t like to run. Either way, I was very athletic, but never really had the drive for it. So a lot of the time, I was just phoning it in, with the excuse of “my knees hurt.” I felt like my natural talent meant I didn’t have to practice, even though that’s the only way to get better at anything. But in reality, I just didn’t want to lift a leg or put in any real effort for anyone.
All my non-exertion still resulted in me having four knee surgeries, so I must have been putting forth some kind of energy. But it wasn’t an easy road. And now, with some hindsight under my belt and my current lack of athletic prowess, I wish I had a better attitude about the real pain I was in, and fought through what was keeping me benched and broken.
Big ol’ Faker
Out of all the fencing tournaments I was at over the years, there was one I didn’t physically participate in. Why? “My knees hurt.” I went with my team to one of the midwestern schools and only watched the tournament from the sidelines. And, get this, I was using my crutches when I really didn’t need to. Sure I had a swelled up knee, but so what? I could still at least try. But everything in my being was telling me I couldn’t and I shouldn’t, so I didn’t.
I crutched all around the tournament in my civilian clothes, taking in all the sympathy from my teammates and from friends on other teams. They all wanted to know what happened, and I just said I was having knee issues. Which wasn’t altogether untrue, but I knew it wasn’t enough to warrant this performance I was putting on. It’s actually kind of crazy my coaches bought into my bullsh*t and allowed me to sit it out. Of course the next week I was spry and springy once again, but perhaps I just needed a mental break from the taxing collegiate sports professions.
Still, it wasn’t real. I had given up on myself and I still wonder if anyone caught on.
Knee-ding a Change
I bring all this up because my right knee is really starting to bother me again. I can walk around fine, but it gets very stiff if it stays in one place or sticks straight out for too long. But instead of wanting to sit things out, I’m pushing myself again. When I do my at-home workouts, I do everything I can to complete the exercises. When it’s too much pressure on my knee, I adjust. I push through. I make sure not to further injure myself, but at least I’m putting in the effort this time without falling back on the crutch of my ingrained laziness.
Right now, what I have is just a minor inconvenience. It was a minor inconvenience then, too. And I wish I hadn’t let the sloth side win out all the time. No one likes a complainer. They like those who overcome the adversary and take the proper care of themselves are the heroes. I was just a zero. A good athlete with absolutely no drive. But it’s changing. It has to, because I’m putting off that inevitable knee replacement for as long as possible.
I had a sports doctor tell me that for every pound I lose, it’s like losing four pounds of pressure on my knee. Just another reason to be mindful of my weight and stay anchored to my goals.