April Awakening: Day Fifteen 🌤️☁️🌬️
I don’t even know what to write about anymore. The entire world is at its own boiling point right now and it’s just dumb to even think about. Wars and rumors of wars, political persecution, a bunch of dipsh*ts blockading major U.S. thoroughfares. And for what? What does any of it mean at the moment? It’s like there’s no more buildup to these events. They just happen in an instant, and you’re suddenly expected to choose a side. And you better be on the right side of things, or else we’ll destroy your life. Or sic our equally-as-snarky followers after you on X. It’s the era of the reactionaries, and I want to be in a place where I’m far too conscious to even care about it.
I’ve gotten a better hold of my temper over the years, but that fuse remains short. PMS exacerbates the process. For example, moments ago I screamed “What the f*ck!” as I’m sitting outside typing, because I just realized my browser defaulted to Bing search instead of DuckDuckGo, which I like to keep it on. A minor inconvenience, but enough to fan the flames of my inner b*tch. It’s stupid and annoying and on some level I need to stop pretending I’m past the days of knee-jerk reactions. If I’m going to condemn everyone else for their visceral feelings, I have to acknowledge mine that are still simmering below the surface.
I hung out with my friend again this weekend. We were chilling in his living room Friday night when I happened to check my phone and saw I had a text. My cat food order has been delivered, it said, something I already got on Wednesday and was put away in the freezer in an entirely different state. I had an issue with this company before after I had updated my lost credit card, and they sent me two orders back-to-back. I don’t have enough space in my home for that much Sadiefood, so needless to say I was upset with what I was reading.
I held my phone, looking down at the message, sensing the smoke ready to billow out my ears. “Calm down, hun,” he said (he calls me hun!), “Maybe it was sent in error.”
I didn’t want to believe him at first, but I took a breath and checked the website, to which I found it was sent in error. My last order came on the 10th, and that certainly wasn’t Friday. I felt a bit silly for freaking out, knowing the only reason I cut the wire on my fuse was because I was in front of another person. Still, I’m just as susceptible to succumbing to the spontaneity that happens when sh*t just doesn’t go your way.
There are those out there who I’m sure always feel justified in their anger. It’s the abrupt and unreasonable kind that you have to be aware of. And unfortunately, we’re smack dab in the middle of a time where that kind of anger is not only justified, it’s celebrated and encouraged by the wrong people. I suppose my best course of action is not to get mad at everyone else getting mad at things and just wait it out like a toddler having a tantrum. Eventually they’ll get tired of the charade. It’s impossible not to. Meanwhile, I’ll keep trying to find my zen and stay conscious of what’s below my surface. PMS is no longer an excuse.