February Focus: Day Five
Today I was at the top of the hill. I was looking down at what lay before me, with all the places I’ve been thus far behind me. It was the first time I really felt confronted about my age. No one helped. I made that climb all on my own.
I had to senior the show today, something I don’t feel like I’m capable of doing these days, and I wouldn’t take the gig if offered. But when I have to step up, I do so. It was just rough today. Lots of soundbites, lots of news to get through, including a 7:00PM border bill text news dump on Sunday night. I just didn’t want to do any of it, plain and simple. My senioritis is playing a part too, as vacation starts this week. So my head is already traveling peaks and valleys a million miles away from here.
One of my co-workers just got back from a quick overseas trip. We had a bit of a lull in the final hour of the show, so people were asking her about it. She recounted how she had a lot of fun. She’s been trying to do online influencing, so everyone was talking about her outfits she was posting while there. Even one of the anchors said she needed to get some fashion advice from her. I didn’t partake in any of these conversations. It’s not like I was jealous of her, I think she has the perfect personality to do what she’s pursuing. Something different hit me this time. I felt so old. Far past all that desire for the spotlight. And it’s not like anyone would want my advice on clothes or hair or anything like that anyway. But in this wash of wanting to feel sorry for myself, I felt strangely okay with all of it. Knowing goals like that were once but a pitstop on my journey upwards, giving me the sense I could find a whole new glade of things to make me happy.
I’ve written before about how I don’t always feel my current age, especially when I cross the ‘half-birthday’ mark. By then, I begin seeing myself as the next age on the calendar, already feeling like it’s all downhill from there. This time around, I felt thirty-eight pretty much the moment after I turned thirty-seven. It’s older, but not elderly. And it’s finally time to say I need to settle into my age, whatever altitude I may find myself at.
My mother used to always tell me to focus on the things I have, not all the things I currently don’t. It’s why I didn’t go with what notes I originally wrote down about how today made me feel; the longing and desire of a life that isn’t what the twentysomethings around me strive for. That’s not my path to travel. I’m on a different one altogether. And maybe I need not get ahead of myself. Perhaps I’m only at an apex and not the summit yet.
I wonder if we actually know when we’ve peaked. I suppose I’ll see it when I get there. This mountain of knowledge I’ve acquired has got to be good for something, I guess.