My December to Remember 3: Day Nineteen
News: Migrants in Eagle Pass wait all night for processing, gather in the cold at night, more still coming, border agents say they’ve never seen a day this bad before, 14K cross in one day.
Iceland volcano massive eruption.
Eric Adams slammed for invoking 9/11 when describing what life in NYC is like.
177 people will be named connected to Jeffery Epstein thanks to judge unsealing documents.
Alec Baldwin yells at pro-Palestine protesters who yell at him in NYC.
Colorado Supreme Court says Trump can’t be on 2024 ticket.
Oh boy. It was certainly one of those days. It didn’t start out that way. Everything was normal. It was a good day. We all did a good job, as per usual. Our host was very happy with the show and the guests. But then it all stopped. And it happened as quick as that sentence transition.
I was cuing music for tomorrow’s show. We’ve been playing a lot of Christmas tunes these days. I grabbed some Celine Dion songs, which is sad considering the news that came out about her today. Say what you will, the woman has one of the most stunning voices on the planet. My mom loved singing her songs. So it was a little hard listening to songs like “The Prayer,” a duet with Andrea Bocelli. At the same time I was cuing this music, I had to go through my old pictures to find a photo of my family, as the one that was in the system already surprisingly wasn’t there. I saw pictures of my mother and I together, her smiling her photogenic smile, relishing when she was actually here. I couldn’t take it. I teared up at my desk and stayed there while everyone went downstairs to get some bagels and mimosas our boss had prepared for us. But I stayed. Anything I was feeling previously skidded to a halt, and there I sat.
Five minutes later I got up and headed downstairs. I looked through the double glass doors in the elevator bank to see my team sitting there, but I ducked into the restroom and just cried. I still couldn’t take it. I missed my mom so much that it hurt. This was purely a release, a pressure valve in my internal odometer just collapsed and I had no more strength to go on. When I finally composed myself and dried my tears, I went and joined my team, but could not share in their conversations. I wanted to, but I couldn’t hit the gas. I just listened as they spoke of things that still squick me out, like proposals and engagement photos and did you know you need to know what your incoming finacee’s nails look like before you give her a ring? I just sat quietly, pretending I didn’t exist before we brought things to an end and I could finally drive myself home.
It was all just so sudden. My emotions overcame me in an instant. I kept telling myself that if I put on a smile and forced myself to be happy, if only for show, then I’d make things better for myself. But I just couldn’t. I slammed on my brakes and that’s where I stayed. I’m glad I was conscious enough to know what I was doing, but when I have the green light, why can’t I just go?
I suppose I shouldn’t beat myself up too much. All this is still fresh. It’s the “first holiday season” without my mom here. I’ve already had to say goodbye to her when she could no longer speak to me. I had to do it again when she died. I’m mourning two losses. I don’t know which is worse, the long, drawn-out pain, or a crash and it’s all over.
At this point, we’re getting slammed over and over again with all that’s being revealed to us. Each new news story is like one massive roadblock after another. And I can’t tell if that throughway ahead is straight or paved with all sorts of twists and turns. Maybe I should just roll with it. Enjoy the ride after I’ve found the strength to restart the engine, even though the pain remains. Because when I woke up from my nap and walked outside, I looked up to see real clouds again for the first time in a while. Of course I’m going to keep going. All this does is affirm I’m human and living in perhaps the most exciting time to be on this earth right now. Bring on the bumpy rides. Just give me a minute if I need it.
